Six Things I Hate About the Holidays–The Dirty Half Dozen

Posted: December 7, 2011 in Uncategorized
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[tweetmeme source=”schrecktom”https://tomschreck.wordpress.com/]

If you could put me in a time machine and awake me on January 2, I ‘d go for it.

I hate this time of year. Here’s the the dirty half dozen:

6. Having to remember to say “The Holidays” and not “Christmas.” Not what you think. I WANT to be sensitive to my non Christian friends and I don’t think it is fair that everything is Christian-centric–but I stutter every time I go to refer to the time of the year and it pisses me off.

5. Grab bags, Secret Santas and Office Parties– I don’t want a gift under $10. I don’t want to shop for one and I don’t want to sip egg nog at lunch during work. Please stop.

Shut Up! And why are you wearing a dress?

4. Not being able to get toilet paper— Or milk or a bag of socks or Vaseline or corn pads or anything else because department stores are filled with mouth breathers buying toys and those lame tie-comes-with-the-shirt packages for $12.99.

3. People Who Love this Time of the Year— You know who I’m talking about. they decorate their car, they wear Chris–er, I mean, Holiday sweaters and ties, they light yule log Yankee Candles and they take big self-satisfied exhales about how great life is this time of the year. Hey, I got your yule log, right here.

2. News Updates on Retail Figures— Hey, things are so bad that Americans can go on unemployment for 12 years, you can sleep in a park and you don’t have to worry about that $600,000 mortgage you got with your $18k salary but you can charge the equivalent of Guyana’s GNP on your Visa so your obese kids can play fake bowling as exercise in front of the TV without lifting a bowling ball.

1. Andy FF’in Williams— “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!” No it isn’t. It sucks and so do you Williams.  I’m tired of your lame-ass sweater collection, your bullshit one-hit Moon River and your damn Chistmas–er, I mean Holiday specials.

For other things I hate (and there’s no shortage) visit my “don’t be THAT guy posts.”

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Comments
  1. Jen Forbus says:

    You’re turning into a broken record Schreck. Really, you need to find something about this time of year for which to be happy. Life is so much nicer when you can be happy.

    First you loved my blog now you hate me…I getting you a HOLIDAY gift under $10…maybe it’ll be toilet paper. 😉

  2. Tom, that glass of eggnog needs to be half full, not half empty. But I do thank you for helping me with a blog topic for today: Six Things I Love About The Holidays. Coming up soon!

  3. Valerie says:

    PREACH ON MR. SCHRECK!

  4. michael rivest says:

    I’m with you, Tom. I think the Holidays, regardless of what they’re called, and why we celebrate them, are fine but just excessive. They leave those whose lives just generally suck right now nowhere to hide. For them, it’s the dead of winter, the time of year with the least sunlight, they’re just taking things one day at a time, and then suddenly it’s about family and togetherness, perky snuggly, and happy endings. I feel especially bad for that poor guy named “Chet” in that Christmas Carol by Mel Torme? The one where they roast his… you know… on an open fire? That’s just plain mean.

  5. tjs9261 says:

    Chet really got burned…

  6. guido iovinella says:

    Thanks for sharing what I have felt for a long time.

  7. Vincent Barr says:

    I think this is something we take up with Starbucks’ gift card department. I think they’re the masterminds behind Secret Santa.

    I’ve found that the more annoying bunch and the people “carrying the torch” – a small, disproportionately vocal group of employees – are just un-touchable. I hesitate to call them masterminds, but they have mastered turning their will and my skepticism into compliance and active participation. And I hate it.

    They do it through those yes-or-a$#hole questions. If I don’t say “yes,” I’m an a$#hole. If I’m not “engaged,” guess what? I’m the a$3hole.

    Ex)

    Jane: “I think we should raise the Secret Santa limit to $14.75 this year.”

    Catherine: “Piggybacking on Jane’s idea, I think that’s a great idea.”

    John: “Done! Let’s make it $15.00 even, folks.”

    Vincent: “So is Secret Santa mandatory? I’m thinking about the folks who may not have the wherewithal to chip in. They might feel left-”

    John, Jane, Catherine: “Yes.”

    Vincent: “Yeah. Oh! And what about religion, though? Sounds like it could be an HR disaster, and with social media these days.. you know”

    John, Jane, Cathering: “No.”

    Vincent: “Got it. Well that sounds good then.”

    (Vincent leaves)

    Jane: “Was he serious?”

    Catherine, John: “What an a$#hole.”

    • tjs9261 says:

      Mr. Barr obviously gets it.

      His take on life is as miserable as mine and yet another reason he has my utmost respect.

  8. Caren says:

    Tom, Have a cup of cocoa with your wife and kids, watch an old movie, and forget about all the rest of the junk. If you get a chance read this: http://carenwrites.blogspot.com/2009/12/time-for-christmas.html It’s about what I wish for Christmas, and what I’d wish for you. (The best gifts don’t come from the mall) Merry CHRISTMAS.

  9. tjs9261 says:

    Caren,

    Thanks for writing and linking. Promise me you’re not going to try to get me to be positive…

    (Love your blog…just don’t make me admit it!)

    • Thanks, and don’t worry, i pretty much hate all the same things you do, in fact this year has been especially difficult because I really want to throw up when I see and hear stupid commercials that try to convince you that THIS is what your husband/wife/kids/Uncle Frank etc. REALLY wants or needs, or hey, you should just get one for yourself!! You can see it coming, halfway through October when suddenly every other ad is for TOYS! They are brainwashing our kids into “Gimme Zombies” AUGH! (You can add those commercials to the list, haha) Deep breath… I just try and focus on the stuff that matters whether its the “holidays” or any other time. 🙂

  10. L.J. Sellers says:

    You forgot to mention the horrible music everywhere, the unwanted presents and plates of sugar, the sentimental crap on TV instead of the shows you’d like to watch, and the looks you get when you say “I don’t celebrate Christmas.” Happy Holidays. 🙂

  11. You can buy shirts that come with ties? Awesome!

  12. michael rivest says:

    23 mfckn days to go…..

  13. michael rivest says:

    It’s really 24 days to go, but New Year’s Eve marks the end of it for me, since I’ll have no recollection of it.

  14. tybes says:

    Tom, are you trying to replace Andy Rooney-you’re starting to sound an awful lot like him in your middle age.

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