don’t be THAT guy: Mr ride-my-bike-on-the-sidewalk jerk

Posted: September 9, 2010 in don't be THAT guy

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To order a Duffy book, click on one of the covers to the left.

It’s 5:45 am and I’m walking my three hounds on leashes and bagging their crap as I go, following all the rules. I make the Holland to New Scotland turn and her he comes: Mr. FF’in Green Guy bikin’ his sorry Birkenstock ass to work–on the sidewalk.

I got three hundred pounds of dog tethered to me covering a 20 foot wingspan and this guy thinks he’s found the most efficient way to travel where there’s no pesky cars to worry about.

It’s called a sideWALK, jerkoff.

It’s not a sideBIKE.

I’m proud of you for leaving a zero carbon footprint by rockin’ the two wheeler this morning, really I am. But if you blow past me and the hounds again like some crazed Shriner at a parade, the footprint I leave on your ass will carry considerably more weight than zero.

Take you, your helmet, the little dentist’s mirror coming off it, the sweet little clips that keep the chain oil off the khaki’s and your environmentally-friendly hemp backpack and ride in the street where you’re supposed.

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Comments
  1. ginny says:

    Forget the footprint – with your 3 different height dogs Wilbur can get the tire, Riley the ankle and Roxie the guys ass! Did I get the height to bike area ratio right?!

  2. Jen Forbus says:

    You didn’t get good marks in “Sharing” and “Plays Well With Others” did you?

  3. Pasquale Palumbo says:

    Nothing better than righteous anger. I will also add the bike riders that are in the street but decide to weave totally into traffic instead of riding along the shoulder. One of these days I’m going to run one of the off the road.

  4. Woofer says:

    While I will agree with you in one respect, I have to disagree in others. You say don’t be that guy (the biker), what about the jerk-offs behind the wheel of their car who think it’s fun to swerve and try to force the biker to wipe out. I’ve seen it happen, and I have had it happen to me. I’m on the side of the road, almost hugging the curb, and a car actually swerved to try to force me to jump the curb. I’ve also had it happen to me when I’ve been in a designated bike lane. I don’t approve of bikes on the sidewalks, but sometimes it’s the safer option. What people need to do is be courteous of each other.

    • tjs9261 says:

      Alright Woofer, I ride a road bike for exercise, so I’m with you about the crumbs who have no courtesy. But the answer isn’t bombing down the sidewalk and doing the same thing to walkers(and dog walkers)–especially at 5am when there’s no cars in the street.

  5. D. B. Dean says:

    In San Francisco we have this lovely little group called Criticle Mass…a bunch of obnoxious bikers who take over the street and hose commuting for HOURS several times a year. They believe bikes have the right to be in traffic and will ride down the middle of the road weaving in and out and then get angry at you if you try to drive past. I have had people hit my car with their hand and cuss me out. I hate hate hate city driving and bikers make it worse!. I am careful and curtious when sharing the road, I make room for motorcycles splitting lanes. But hey @ss wipe – How about you A) keep up with traffic or B) get the heck out of the way!

  6. Maria C says:

    lmao, I’d just release the hounds and let them have at it…should do the trick.

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