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Some of you just aren’t good at picking up nonverbal cues, double entendres and sarcasm when you’re in a tavern.
Today, I’m gonna help you out.
All of these I’ve seen recently.
1. If you’re talking to the bartender while he’s at the register and he doesn’t turn around even when his transaction is done–he doesn’t want to talk to you. He really, really doesn’t.
2. Yes, the wait staff minds separate checks. Bring an ff’in calculator.
3. Those two brass rails that are always open at the bar are for the waitresses. Don’t stand there. Not even for a minute. You’re not in the club allowed to stand there. Okay? Got it?
4. Don’t step to the area behind the bar. This should be obvious. If there’s a space at the end of the bar it’s there for the staff. You can’t stand there. Don’t lurk back there and justify it by thinking “I used to be a bartender, I can stand here.” If you were any good at being a bartender you know you shouldn’t do this.
5. Do you see a sign pushing frozen drinks? No? Then don’t order one. If you want a slurpy, a frappe or a Coolatta go to one of those places. If your order one and a bartender has to fish out the blender and the mix he will hate you and everyone who now has to wait for their normal drink will hate you while you smack your lips in anticipation of a beverage you should’ve stopped craving in 8th grade.
6. You see the taps and the bottles of beer lined up on the back of the bar? Those are the beers available. Don’t ask what kind of beers they have on tap and in a bottle. And you’re a bigger loser if after you ask and the poor bastard who made a bad vocational choice in their early twenties recites from memory 36 choices of malted beverage and you respond with: “Do you have Summer Stock Wheat IPA Micro Bock?” They don’t have it and you’re an asshole for thinking because you drink some sort of esoteric liquid pumpernickel you have rank.
7. Know what you want before you approach the bar. Standing there like the low SAT scorer that you are like you just had a stroke and can’t form the word “beer” pisses everyone off.
8. Unless you are in a joint that calls itself a “wine bar” don’t ask what type of wine they have. They have shitty wine is what they have. If you want nice wine take your panties to the fern place across town next to the mall.
9. If people are watching the game don’t play the jukebox. It doesn’t matter if the jukebox is on or if you really wanted to watch the important Premier League game between Manchester and Sgt Pepper. If you want music put in your ear buds and spare the rest of us.
10. If you’ve finished drinking get off the bar stool. if you’re waiting for your to-go food and are having a coke– get off the bar stool. This isn’t a bus stop or a library. Those seats are there for a reason.
Other considerations: You know how I feel about children in a bar. I don’t want to go over it again.