FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR: What the drink tells you about the person

Posted: February 26, 2010 in FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve sat on a lot of bar stools and heard a lot of drink orders. I also have a masters degree in psychology and have analyzed the meaning of drinks and the people who ask for them.

Here are my findings:

(Please note the term “guy” here refers to both sexes. It is a function of the  2010 colloquialism “That Guy.”

The guy who orders a Bud

A big fan of televised sports. Not what you would call adventuresome. Not much of an independent thinker. Probably lived with Mom and Dad until the age of 38 or still. Other hobbies include watching more television.

The guy who orders a Stella Artois

A pretentious pain in the ass of a person. Undoubtedly is wearing a shirt with a small animal over the breast. The type who wears loafers and no socks. Starts conversations about “the market” and uses words  like “trending” and makes sure everyone knows that he went to “the city’ last week and he ate at (fill in fancy new restaurant) and didn’t think it was that good.

The guy who orders a Kamikaze, Long Island Ice tea or similar drink.

Somehow this individual’s development was stunted around the age of 17. Prefers to use the word “wasted” as often as possible. Starts every sentence, and I mean every sentence, with the word “Dude.”

The guy who orders a Yaegermeister

Combined SAT scores for this guy fails to make triple figures. Has difficulty conceptualizing masculinity and is confused about life post his 7 years as an undergraduate. Is wearing a big untucked collared shirt of an obnoxious color and bold striping folded meticulously at the forearm. He is wearing “driving shoes.”

The guy who orders Michelob Ultra or Miller 63

An overweight compulsive dieter who talks about nothing but carbs while the stress on his belt is equivalent to that at a Tiger  and Elin Valentine’s Day date. Later that evening he will turn into the guy ordering mozzarella sticks and tater skins but tells the bartender to go easy on the salt.

The guy who asks for double bocked autumn wheat IPA small batch

Don’t sit by this tedious bastard. This guy believes his status in life revolves around the fact that he chooses to drink a draft beer that costs more than his mortage payment out of a specially honed glass to accentuate the aroma. He also owns one of the following: a $5,000 bike, the complete Star Trek box set, as collection of baseball cards or model trains. This guy will drone on while you give him every possible nonverbal that you’re not listening about hops, barley and the other shit that goes into beer.

The guy who orders Grey Goose, Stoli, Knob Creek or other ‘Top shelf”

This insecure jerkoff used to be the Stella Artois guy but somehow he became more insecure and alcholic. He orders the drink like he’s calling stops on the subway making sure everyone knows that his drink costs a dollar fifty more than everyone else’s. He went to law school, got an MBA or owns his own white collar business that is failing miserably while he insists on having his Lexus detailed every third day. He sprayed a Ralph Lauren product on himself that morning like he was Febreezing a kennel.

The guy who orders Schlitz

Dashingly handsome, gifted and charming, this guy is loved by everyone.

  1. tybes says:

    Does the Coor’s lite drinker fall in with the Mich Ultra or Miller 63?!

  2. Jen Forbus says:

    Ha! What about a Guinness or Falstaff?

  3. B. Noonan says:

    Ha! What about the guy who drinks goblets of Coors Light? Also, “Wine Drinker Guy” could fall under Stella Artois Guy.

    The worst of all though? “Half and Half/Black & Tan guy”. Usually of Irish heritage and lets everyone know it… Doesn’t know that a black and tan is Guinness and Bass, not Guinness and Smithwick’s… Little does this person know that if you went to Ireland and ordered one the bartender would walk away and ignore you for the rest of the night.

  4. Graham says:

    Shiner Bock: The guy from Texas. Do not anger Texas Guy.

    • tjs9261 says:

      Shiner Bock, really? In Texas.

      Would Waylon and Jerry Jeff order that?

      Do they sing about “Shine Bock” in “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother?”

      Would Gilley’s have it on draft?

      Texas guy– no Lonestar?

      What happened to you?

      • Graham says:

        Puh-leeeze. Shiner Bock is brewed by the descendants of Czech brewmasters in lovely Shiner, Texas. They’ve been around for a long time. My dad confirms that, when he was at UT in th 50s, Shiner Beer was the equivalent of Milwaukee’s Best. They have improved since then.

        (Incidentally, according to my dad the most popular liquor store with students was called “Dirty’s”. And that’s what the owner went by. Everybody just called him Dirty.)

      • tjs9261 says:

        I feel better now…

  5. D.B. Dean says:

    What does jack n coke say about the guy?

    Erdinger (my preferred brew is dark german and requires a fork)?

    • BD says:

      Jack ‘n Coke means the guy
      *owns a Harley. Good on him. That’s who J’nCs were invented for.
      *has a cool-ass fu-man-chu, big-ass arms, a big-ass belly, a big-ass neck …and pencil-ass legs. Good on that guy, too. That’s who J’nCs were invented for.

      The rest…
      *will never own a Harley but has an H.D. wallet, 17 H.D. t-shirts & an H.D. license plate (this guy insists on calling them “Hogs” and will say “Hog” every 9th word…and will increase the volume at which he says “Hog” by 3dB for every Jack ‘n Coke he’s had)
      *has a probation officer
      *will have a P.O.
      *starts fights with guys he outweighs by 40lbs
      *when talking to his buddies refers to women as “this bitch one time…” and “these bitches gotta learn how to…” He’s not being demeaning intentionally; he jess don’t know no better.
      *rounds the number of women he’s slept with up to 37. From 3.
      *will yell “Skynnnnard, mother f***ers!” at the band.
      *had a drum set when he was 16. Sold the kit for weed money when he was 25. Total time spent practicing: 9 hours.
      *will ask to play drums for the band for a song or two
      *will not get off the stage until he’s been brow beaten, ridiculed and treated like a complete ass or patronized, mollycoddled and put off to “maybe the next set, man. I can tell you’re probably good.”

      I can drink. To paraphrase Alice Cooper, “there were periods where my BAC was probably .07 at any given time whether I’d had a drink in the last 2 days or not.”
      But that frikkin’ JD, boy. Every time (not an exaggeration. Every. Damn. Time.) I put Jack to my lips- be it a shot, one JnC or 12 of either. Didn’t matter. Every time I got any whiff of the stuff I’d obliviously run stop signs (not to mention getting into a car in the first place), wreck a car, get pulled over, be belligerent, hit on someone’s girl/wife or almost kill someone.
      A comic booky pal explained it perfectly to me. JD is my red kryptonite. …which he said has an unpredictable effect on Superman and it’s effect is always extreme & bizarre.

      I need to stick to the Schaefer.

  6. Mark Terry says:

    Hmnmm. Strawberry margaritas, Corona, Sam Adams (one of several varieties; last week I had Cherry Wheat on draft, but the cherry was rather strong).

    But… Schlitz? Dear God, did you also drink Goebels?

  7. Mark Terry says:

    Oh yeah, Rolling Rock.

  8. Mark Terry says:

    And Land Shark Lager, but mostly because I like the name and the fact that Jimmy Buffett owns the company.

  9. Pasquale Palumbo says:

    I love Bud. You’re only 2 for 5 on your criteria (as far as they apply to me, but perhaps I’m an outlier).

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