WEDNESDAY WRITING TIP:Bruce Springsteen, Noir Crime Writer

Note the Elvis Pin...

It was the part of town where when you hit a red light you don’t stop.

Johnny 99

The screen door slams. Mary’s dress waves.

Thunder Road

Screen door hangin’ off its hinges kept bangin’ me awake all night.

Ain’t nobody can give anybody what they really need anyway

Dry Lightning

They say you gotta stay hungry. Well, I’m just about starving tonight.

Dancing in the Dark

You end up like a dog that’s been kicked too much.

Born in the USA

It’s a town full of losers. I’m pulling out of here to win.

All the redemption I can offer is beneath this dirty hood. Thunder Road                                                                                                                                   Sweatin’ out on the street of this runaway American dream…

Born to Run

Great writing doesn’t come over the course of 100,000 word manuscript, it comes word by word and phrase by phrase. To me, when he’s at his best, no one is better than Bruce Springsteen.

I’m not a huge fan of his last 15 or 20 years but through the late eighties his phrasing, economy of words and expression resonated with me.

Take his use of “Screen door.” What does a screen door conjur? Usually, a low income house and a working class culture. If it bangs off the wall it tells us it’s old, wasn’t installed properly or it’s worn out. A screen door banging sets a total scene economically.

How about “All the redemption I can offer is beneath this dirty hood”? “Redemption” and “hood” don’t seem to go together which makes it perfect. For an 18 year-old high school graduate, the promise of something more comes on four wheels. And “Pulling out of here to win” is something you have the opportunity to do.

“It was the part of town where when you hit a red light you don’t stop.” Do you need anything else to describe that setting? I don’t. I picture an intersection in my home town. The corner one block up from Henry Johnson and Clinton appears in my mind every time.

In the nineties Springsteen wrote “It’s a funny world when you find yourself pretending and you’re a rich in a poor man’s shirt” in the song “Better Days.” And maybe for me this is where he stopped connecting with me. The lyrics became more psuedo-spiritual to me and the causes overblown. The “Rising” album which was supposed to heal all of us after the WTC tragedy fell flat with me.

I wanted to be back on the porch, in the car or at that troubled intersection. The day to day nuances of life connect like good noir fiction. The other stuff is probably great for those who relate to it. It’s just isn’t me.

In the meantime, I’m gonna try to stay hungry while I sweat out on the street of my own American dream.

Reviewing the Reviewers: Jen Forbus

Jen Forbus is one of my absolute best friends in the book business. I know, as a writer, I’m not alone, either. When I finally got to meet Jen at Bouchercon last year I noticed the steady stream of authors who flocked to give her a hug.

Her blog, Jensbookthoughts.blogspot.com, is far more than a review site. It’s more like a tribute to everything in crime fiction. Her Six-Word Memoir project has drawn authors from near and far, from the biggest names to, well, names like mine. It’s worth a trip just to see it but while you’re there be careful, you can lose hours.

Anyway, without further ado, here is my first installment of Reviewing the Reviewers, fittingly with Jen Forbus.

1. What really gets you interested in a mystery?

Great characters definitely hook me in any book, but especially in a mystery. I want to care what happens to them. They can be repulsive villain-type characters and I want to see justice or they can be strong protagonists that I’m rooting for. I also appreciate characters who are witty or smart or both.

For me to care about what’s going on in the book, I first have to care about the people the action is happening to and around.

2. What bores the hell out of you?

The same old, same old. When it feels like the same plot is being re-enacted, just in a new location or with new supporting characters, I lose interest. Some people feel comfort in that; they know what to expect from their favorite writers, but I prefer when my favorite writers challenge me and surprise me.

Alafair Burke, Jen and Me in Milwaukee last month

I’m also not a big fan of gratuitous sex, violence or profanity in the books. If it serves no more purpose in the plot than to show how macho the protagonist is, it doesn’t need to be there. If it’s obvious that it’s serving a purpose in the overall scheme of things, I appreciate it. But violence for the sake of violence is offensive and insulting.

3. What cliches would you really like to see go away?

Probably my biggest turnoff cliché-wise is the damsel in distress. The woman who is so helpless that she needs the strapping hero to save her from life’s evils. And while I see less of that – maybe because I purposely stay away from it – I do still see it on occasion. There’s nothing wrong with having a great male protagonist. Some of my favorite characters are male. But, don’t make the females helpless. They’re allowed to be smart or funny or talented. They don’t have to be beautiful, dumb or helpless. They CAN help save the day and they don’t have to be every hero’s Achilles heel.

But, on the flip side, I’m also turned off by the female character who hates all men. Just strike a good, realistic balance.

4. What topics, themes etc would you like to see more of in mysteries?

I don’t like to see a lot of any one thing. I enjoy variety and uniqueness. I’ve been surprised at topics I’ve taken an interest in because the writers handled them so well. That’s one of the joys of reading, having your world open up to new ideas and concepts.

5. What mistakes do you think authors make?

I would never presume to know what makes the publishing industry tick and what mistakes authors do or don’t make in that realm. As a reader, what makes me stop reading an author is when he/she becomes formulaic. There are several very popular authors that I don’t read for that reason. Since they’re making the best seller lists, I don’t guess they’re actually making mistakes since they’re selling books, but I don’t read them.

Michael Connelly made the statement that publishing involves a great deal of luck. There are many, many talented writers but it’s often some element of luck that raises one above others. So, I guess you could be doing all the right things and just never walk under that lucky star.

6. Do you write? Would you like to?

Not beyond my blog. I’ve never felt like there was an idea or concept that I really needed to turn into a story. Maybe if that ever happened I might. But I prefer to be the reader and to talk about books with other people.

7. Who are your favorites?

Wow! Answering this one better not get me into trouble.  The two people I always credit with hooking me on the genre are Robert Crais and Linda Fairstein, so they definitely are favorites. Alafair Burke absolutely writes my favorite female protagonist, Ellie Hatcher, so she has to be on my list. Michael Koryta is simply amazing. Gregg Hurwitz and Marcus Sakey are my favorite thriller writers. People will often hear me say that I think James Lee Burke is one of the greatest living American writers today. And the folks I will always spend money on to get their books right away: Chris Grabenstein, Craig Johnson, Louise Penny, Tom Schreck, Craig McDonald, Kathy Reichs. An author I really like but he hasn’t published anything for awhile is Thomas Holland. And this past year I was introduced to and fell in love with the works of Ken Bruen and Reed Farrel Coleman.

A couple of writers who had their debut novels in 2009 and who I believe will join the ranks of my favorites are Sophie Littlefield and Brad Parks.

If you ever asked me to pick just one, I’d not be able to do it. These are all favorites for all different reasons. They are all amazingly talented writers. I’m so thankful that they do what they do.

8. Why did you start reviewing? If you really hate a book will you still review it?

I just wrote about this question recently. As odd as it may sound, I started reviewing because I left the classroom. I was a high school English teacher and when I left the classroom and didn’t have a daily opportunity to talk about books, I felt a real void. So, I started talking about books on a blog. It was purely for selfish reasons, so when CRIMESPREE contacted me about submitting reviews to the magazine, I was extremely flattered.

If I really hate a book, I won’t review it. I don’t think there’s any benefit in that. I want to encourage people to read, not discourage them from it. And I have absolutely nothing to prove by being snarky or mean. If there are minor elements that didn’t sit well with me, I’ll mention them in a review.  But if my overall reaction was, “god, this is terrible,” no, I won’t review that.

CONSPIRACY TUESDAY: AMISH PUPPY MILLS

Hey, those wacky Amish, aren’t they quaint?

Rockin’ the old gear, trippin’ in the horse and buggy and funkin’ up the facial hair.

Then there’s those great quilts, rocking chairs and even the infomercial-marketed fireplaces.

Screw you guys

Hard not love ‘em and their old backward ways, ain’t it?

Well, the Amish can kiss my fat technology lovin’ ass.

They run puppy mills.

Bad ones.

I found video and I won’t show it because I hate that stuff but it’s got all the horribleness that you hear about.

The NY Post reported that they sell upwards of 20,000 puppies a year and rake in over $4 million.

The dogs are crowded in cages, in filth without socialization. When a dog is done getting pregnant over and over they get euthanized.

You know the drill on puppy mills. I don’t like talking about it.

The Amish do it.

And they can go to hell.

DRINKS WITH JENN ANISTON

“Wow, so your book is out?” Jennifer Aniston said. She took a mini sip of Pinot Grigio.

“Well, yeah, it officially came out February but the publisher released some advanced copies awhile ago,” I said.

We were at this small vegetarian joint called “The Sprout” in Alphabet City.

“An author, a real author…” Her brown eyes sparkled and she looked at me so long I started to get uncomfortable.

“Hey, I’m no Robert Ward.”

“What’s it about?” Jenn toyed with her wine glass running a slender finger along its rim.

“Oh, come on. I don’t want to bore you.” I paused and looked at her. “What about “Friends” and your movies,” I panicked slightly, not being able to remember any of the movie titles.

“Please…” She said and scrunched up her face in that adorable Jennway. “Tell me what it’s about.”

“Okay,” I sighed. Before becoming a big deal published author I dreamed of beautiful women asking me about it. Now, frankly, it had become tiresome.

“It’s called Out Cold, A Duffy Dombrowski Mystery and there’s this social worker about to get fired from his job because he never does the paper work. He’s also a bad pro boxer who lives in a trailer. He winds up trying to prevent  some domestic terrorism predicted by a crazy client. In the meantime he has to deal with his obstinate Black Muslim basset hound, Al. Then–” Jenn interrupted.

“What’s obstinate mean?”

“You know, disobedient.” I say.

“Oh…”

“I also haver a Kindle book out with JA Konrath. It’s called Planter’s Punch. That’s a bestseller in the Kindle category “Police Procedurals.” I was glad my description was over. It’s so tedious going over this stuff with women again and again.

“That sounds soooo cool. Where can I get it?”

“Most bookstores, though I prefer the independents. Planter’s Punch, exclusively at Amazon Kindle”

She tosses her hair and looks away. Then she puts her hand over her mouth and sort of giggles. She shakes her head.

“What?” I say.

“Oh…I don’t know. it’s just…” She looks away again, frowns and her eyes seem just a little wet.

“What?”

“It’s just that the guys I know…the guys I’m used to… they’re so…I don’t know…shallow. But you…you’re an author,” she says.

I feign a smile. I get this a lot lately.

“Will their be others?” Her playful giggle is gone and in its place is a kind of sad intense look.

“Sure, I‘m working on a stand alone that will be ready soon and then there’s another Duffy in the works where Duffy and Al go to Las Vegas. But–”

I didn’t get to finish.

“I didn’t mean other books.”

She looks down and I can sense she’s embarrassed. “I meant… oh, never mind.”

Her eyes well up again only this time I was almost sure a tear would escape.

It was awkward.

Being a big deal author often was.

Basset Hound Saves Man From Suicide

I volunteer on a suicide hotline. In fact, that’s where I am right now.

Fortunately, it’s quiet.

One of the things we learn in our training is that if people feel they have a reason to live they are less likely to act on their suicidial thoughts.

Meet Antigone.

Marshall Lee got Antigone from a basset rescue organization. She was  from one of those scumbag puppy mills. Those are those horrid places where they exploit dogs through breeding and sell them to your cheery mall pet stores.

Anyway, Marshall loved his college teaching job and when he got laid off it broke his heart. After sending 200 resumes around and not getting a single response he got despondent. This Persian Gulf War veteran began to have suicial thoughts and began to believe he’d be better off dead.

If you haven’t had a bout with depression it might be hard to understand. It took Marshall two hours to get out of bed every morning. He didn’t have any energy for anything.

He decided to kill himself. He began to make the plans.

Something kept getting in the way of his death strategy.

Antigone.

He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her alone and uncared for. Then, something rose up inside of Marshall, that something inside us that doesn’t accept defeat. That pissed off something that says “Fight back.”

So after losing his job and his apartment, Marshall Lee got on his bike. He put Antigone in the pull along thing and the two of them set out to ride from Chicago to San Francisco to raise awareness for two causes.

Suicide prevention and basset rescue.

Victor Frankl, the philosopher who survived Nazi death camps, once said that life gets meaning when you take on a cause greater than yourself with a vitally absorbing interest. People vitally absorbed in helping people live fulfilled lives.

They l-i-v-e.

So, this Thursady when Marshall and Antigone pedaled across the Golden Gate Bridge, a bridge that someone commits suicide off every fifteen days, there were two vitally absorbed lives being transported by a whole lot more than a bicycle.

Antigone was rescued by Guardian Angel Basset Hound Rescue, an organization I call family. Out of the Darkness is an organization that helps raise suicide awareness. Read about them on Marshal Lee’s  blog: http://antigonebasset.blogspot.com/

DUFFY DOG OF THE WEEK: DUKE!

The first Duffy Dog of the Week goes to Duke!

Duke with a favorite toy

Good ‘Ol Duke was found wandering the streets of Burbank California, probably sick of the television industry. He’s deaf and sometimes people without the appropriate level of patience will say he has “issues.”

Well, those people are assholes.

Shelly and Don were out in California visiting Daphneyland, that incredibly wonderful rescue ranch. The Basset Rescue Network got him there and he even got adopted out one time but got returned. He’d been at the ranch about a year when Shelly and Don came.

It wasn’t that long since they had lost Doc, one of their hounds. They were heart broken.

(Okay, if you’re not a dog person, you won’t get this part.)

Duke knew they were heart broken and he had something up his sleeve to soothe it a little bit. He attached himself to the couple for their six hour visit. He knew Don would need to be seriously lobbied and he took care of that.

When Shelly and Don left. Duke, of all the hounds at Daphneyland, followed them with his eyes. Shelly and Don looked right back.

It was a long ride back to Cheektowagwa. There was lots of time to think. There was lots of time for Doc to get in touch.

Just chillin'

So when they got home phone calls were made and logistics were worked out.

And Duke got an American Airlines ride to Buffalo. I’m guessing he didn’t travel alone. I think Doc was booked on the same flight.

Today, Duke travels the country with Shelly and Don to basset events. If he’s around you’ll know. His graceful baritone shakes the country side where ever he goes. (Click on the short video below to get a tiny sample.)

Resting after a busy day

Duke, influencing the selection process

FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR: Worst Pickup Lines Ever

Is there such thing as a good pickup line?

A pickup line’s goal is to get  someone to go home with you for the purposes of sex.

Do people that willing to have sex really need a clever line? Wouldn’t “Hello, I’m wearing socks?” work for someone that willing?

And, as you all know, I am a committed non-sexist, but having said that, if a woman approaches a man in a bar and says “Hello, I enjoy mayonaise. Want to go make the beast with two backs?” wouldn’t that work with 99.8 percent of men?

Yes, it would.

With all that in mind what are histories worst pickup lines?

Here’s some of my faves:

Did you fart? Because you blew me away

You must be in a wrong place – the Miss Universe contest is over there.

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true

Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.

Is your blouse felt? Would you like it to be?

You know your eyes are the same color as my Porsche?

But my single favorite came from a frequent contributor this blog  who has chosen to remain anonymous:

“Nice shoes, wanna have sex?”

Because this is a PG-13 blog I cleaned that up a bit.

Your turn. Go!

FREE PSYCHOTHERAPY THURSDAY:What Your Strip Club Name Says About Your Psychopathology

Yesterday I asked for some help on my new novel.

There’s a strip club in it and I was looking for an interesting name for it. I posted a question on Facebook.

What happened after that was clearly astounding.

Hoardes of people, who presumably don’t have enough to do at their day jobs, responded.

Frankly, the suggestions were disturbing.

As a service to those who made suggestions I will conduct a psychoanalysis on some of the suggestions. Hopefully, we can all learn something.

Jay K

Pole Position

Clearly Jay is both a fan of watching women dance and Nascar. What can we deduce from that? Safe to say he did not hit triple figures on the SAT exam.

Tina W

One Stop Plastic Shop

I believe as a child Tina was breast fed from falsies and will never develop as a mature adult.

Diane M

Peel and Play

I am not sure if this is a reference to shrimp, bananas or disrobing. It doesn’t matter, it’s odd. So is Diane and you should stay away from her.

Vinnie B

Karma

Vinnie is clearly on a different spiritual plane than the rest of us. Personally, I don’t want to board that plane and fly towards Nirvana with Mr. B to a place of enlightenment where women dance without clothes.

Geo A

Franks and Beans

Geo, it’s time for help. I know your Ballpark franks plump when you cook them but you’re spending far too much time in the kitchen.

Pasquale P

Mammary Lane

Okay, ‘Squale we all know what Freudian stage you’re stuck at. It’s not a good one for a man over the age of 4.

Robert W

Ed’s

Bob, I know you spend a lot of time in Hollywood and you probably have gone numb to the idea of blond women in lucite heels, but did you read the question? I know you’re old but is that what happens?

Michael L

Honey, I Was At My Art Class

Mrs. L you’ve got issues to deal with. Those stick figures Mikey’s been taping to the refrrigerator indicate that those impressionist classes he’s taking are leaving the wrong impression on him.

Davida D.

Jiffy Lube

Davida meet Jay. Jay likes NASCAR. You two can hang out. You can talk about cars going fast and maybe play with Matchboxes. Just stay out of society.

Vicky A

Ben Dovers

I’m assuming IP Daly and Who Flung Do were already taken? Vicky you’re a grown woman and somewhere along the way something went wrong with your development. Really, really wrong.

And the most disturbing response award goes to:

Bill D.

Please Don’t Take Off Your Pants and Jack It

Right this way Mr. D. Please take your meds and arts and crafts will be starting soon. Part of being a good shrink is knowing when there is no hope. For Bill D there’s less than no hope

WEDNESDAY WRITING TIP:No more Commas ever

I admit I don’t know how when or where to use the comma and I’m sick of it.

Since freshman year at Notre Dame longhaired intellectuals have been making those indecipherable cryptic notes on my writing and sending me to tutorials.

Screw ‘em.

I’m done.

Don’t tell me about independent conjuntivitis phrases natural pauses and that crap. It’s unneneccesary and pretentious.

And to the smug comma Nazis who are always so pleased with themselves to site some archaic rule insisting subtly that they are better than you because they know the special club rules on where the curly cue thing goes–stick the comma up your colon.

Most of it’s bullshit anyway. There’s the exception for this and the exception for that and you use it here but not there and you can use before and but you don’t have to.

I’m done it’s over.

Stop pretending like it’s a capital offense to miss a comma. We don’t walk around saying “Hi comma how are you?”

Stp the madness.

It ends today.

The comma is so over

Conspiracy Theory Tuesday: Babies Stolen Out of Incubators and Good PR

Remember 1990-91.

Of course you don’t.

We were getting ready to get the first Gulf War going.

One of the events that really rallied the public support was the testimony of a fifteen year-old girl named Nayirah, who testified through tears to the Us Congress that Iraqi soldiers were pulling Kuwaiti babies from incubators so they would die.

Check out the heart wrenching testimony.

Riveting, heart wrenching…and  totally fabricated.

Turmns out she was the niece of a Kuwaiti ambassador to the US, had taken acting lessons and had had her testimony arranged by the PR firm Hill and Knowlton.

Independent human rights monitors found out and deemed the testimony baseless.

Hill and Knowlton were paid $10.8 million by the Citizens for a Free Kuwait to do their PR.

But..conspiracy theorists are a bunch of nuts, right?

Out Cold, A Duffy Dombrowski Mystery is a story about a wacky conspiracy theorist whose terrorist predictions start coming true.